It's ALL Numbers With Dots!

I feel like everybody - not just Millennials or Gen Z - needs this refresher on public libraries:

The stand-up is Josh Johnson by the by. One of the fresh new stand-up comedians out there. Like a more even-tempered George Carlin with brilliant observations.

A Serious Question To Every Author I Know

Can someone PLEASE point me in the direction of a publication that would be HAPPY to take humor horror type of stories? I've got a vampire biker bar brawl story that I honestly think has potential to be a fun read for people and I can't see ANY publisher out there taking submissions for something like this.

Writer's Market stopped printing a few years back. I'm looking through Submission Grinder for possibilities but I've been getting rejections with the submissions I've done through them over the years. 

I'm tired of the rejections. It's one of the reasons I've gone to self-publish with Funny Locations to get my stories out there to any readers. But some of these stories I have, I'd like to get them submitted to legitimate publications as a kind of validation, you know?

I understand it's a tough market - and it's getting worse with all this AI-generated crap that the publishers are getting swamped - but I would like help finding the right place to submit the kind of stories I write to the people who'll like them.

/sigh

Just Released: Strangely Funny VIII Available in Print and Kindle!

Ahhh yeah, volume VIII is officially released!

You can purchase a print copy or you can purchase the eBook Kindle version!

MANY THANKS to the editors Sarah and Gwen for choosing a line from my "War of the Murder Hornets" story as the quote blurb to help sell the anthology! 

"Just want to let you know, so far we’ve got two of the drafted volunteers reporting sick to the base doctor with severe cases of Aw Hell Naw."

-- Paul Wartenberg, "War of the Murder Hornets"

Squeeeee!!!

PLEASE do get a copy, the stories from this series are worth the read, and PLEASE leave a good review for us, I do hope you enjoy our twisted tales.

Getting Accepted for the Next Strangely Funny Anthology

Good news, people! A short story submission to the Strangely Funny anthology series has been accepted for 2021!

It's a 2020 story based on MURDER HORNETS. It might be the scariest story I've ever wrote.

LOOK AT THAT FACE!

The face of a Murder Hornet means business. And that business is MURDER. AAAAAAIIIEEEEEE.

Future updates on when and where the eighth anthology crops up are forthcoming.

OFFICIAL: Strangely Funny V Now Available IN PRINT

The news is out, and so is the sixth volume of Strangely Funny Volume 5.

...

Yeah, and it's supposed to be a trilogy OW stop hitting me.

Best way to find it is on Amazon right now, follow this link here to get to it. The eBook version for Kindle is here too!

You can purchase a copy, but I would suggest holding off on that because as soon as I am able I hope to offer a FREE autographed copy giveaway event to promote this! PLEASE STAY TUNED!

If you don't wanna wait, please do buy a copy and I hope you enjoy my story "The Pumpkin Spice Must Flow." If you do purchase, kindly leave a review for the book please and thanks.

In Which We Pester Writer Columbkill Noonan About Humor and Horror Anthologies Until It's TOO LATE

As part of the ongoing promotion for the latest humor/horror anthology Strangely Funny III, now available as print book (ISBN-13 978-0996420969) and Amazon ebook...

I've been interviewing fellow authors of the anthology, and this time around I got a reply back from an entity known only as Columbkill Noonan. I have no idea which parent lost the bet during Naming Day, but still, here we go:

Question 1: What inspired you to write stories with a humorous bent?

I equally enjoy writing serious stories, but funny stories definitely seem to come more easily to me. Perhaps because much of my life tends to be a comedy of errors, so I have no lack of inspiration.

Question 2: Which is harder, writing a horror scene or writing a humor scene?

Definitely horror. I find myself, well, horrified when writing horror scenes. One of my own stories even gave me nightmares!

Question 3: So was Mad Max Fury Road robbed of Best Picture at the Oscars or what?!

(This question was apparently so heartbreaking that Columbkill Noonan was unable to answer. Instead, she was seen spraying Silver Mist food coloring over her mouth while jumping into a souped-up SUV screaming "MEDIOCRE" and driving into the wastelands)

Question 4: If you had a choice between classic monsters - the vampire, the golem, the werewolf, the ghost, the gill-man - which one would you throw a coconut custard pie with whipped cream at?

The werewolf...because he might take some time to eat the pie instead of me. A ghost would be entirely indifferent to the pie; same with the vampire (unless it were blood pudding, maybe?), and the gill-man...what was a gill-man, again?

Question 5: and why did that pie end up hitting Humphrey Bogart instead?

Because Humphrey must be a werewolf. Obviously.

About the Author:

Columbkill Noonan has no biography. No identity. No grade point average. A lone rider in the night, wolf by her side, Blu Oyster Cult guitar solos wailing in the distance, driving through the dark woods of (Insert spooky remote area of the Eastern seaboard here). Fleeing from a scarred past, a dangerous mission that went horribly wrong, that one incident that haunts her forever until the time of reckoning at the tide of a blood-red moon...
...either that or she's trying to get the pizza delivered before the 30 minute timer runs out...
Columbkill does have a Facebook page.

In Which We Convince Writer Frank Sawielijew To Answer Questions Before The Swedish Inquisition Gets To Him

Because everyone's conditioned to expect the SPANISH Inquisition. I mean, really.

Anywho, as part of promoting Strangely Funny III on Kindle Amazon and soon to be in print, I've sent out questions to fellow writers contributing to that humor/horror anthology, and this time up we've got this guy up. If we can get my dad Earnest to add some comments, we can finally have a Frank and Earnest discussion about things (stop groaning, dad used that joke on me ages ago).

Anyway, to the questions!

Question 1: What inspired you to write stories with a humorous bent?

I honestly have no idea. The very first stories I wrote were filled with over-the-top silly humor. Even the comics I drew as a kid were funny (or at least supposed to be funny). In fact, I only started writing serious stories two years ago - everything I did before that had been humorous. I guess I just have a natural affinity for silliness, and writing funny stories is a better outlet for that than annoying my friends with horrible puns every day.

Question 2: Which is harder, writing a horror scene or writing a humor scene?

For me, it's the horror scene. I write a lot of humorous stuff, and there are so many ways to make something funny. Playing with the reader's expectations and breaking them with something absurd or even a complete non-sequitur, using puns and other forms of word-play, putting a humorous spin on popular tropes... writing a scene that manages to be at least mildly amusing is easy when you know the tools. Horror is harder to write effectively, as the tools you need to make it work are much more subtle. You need to create a creepy atmosphere and make sure the scary thing is actually scary. Tickling a reader's funny bone is easier than triggering his primal fears.

Question 3: So was Mad Max Fury Road robbed of Best Picture at the Oscars or what?!

For sure! Fury Road is the best action flick I've seen in years, and I love how it's one of the very few modern remakes/sequels that actually respect the source material. The car chases were almost as glorious as those in Mad Max 2. They actually used REAL CARS instead of rendering everything in soulless CGI. Fury Road would've deserved to win ALL the Oscars for being a highly entertaining movie that feels like it could've been made during the golden age of action movies.

Question 4: If you had a choice between classic monsters - the vampire, the golem, the werewolf, the ghost, the gill-man - which one would you throw a coconut custard pie with whipped cream at?

The vampire. I'm assuming this is a situation where I'm in a fight and the pie is my only weapon, and I can choose who I'm fighting against. The golem is made of stone, so throwing a pie at it would do nothing. The werewolf would just open his large, toothy wolf-mouth and eat the pie. The ghost is incorporeal, and the pie would just pass through it and hit the wall. The gill-man is basically just an overgrown fish that lives in the water and pies are even less effective weapons underwater than they are on land.

Question 5: and why did that pie end up hitting Humphrey Bogart instead?

The vampire is played by Sir Christopher Lee who, as a WW2 veteran with combat experience, expertly dodges the pie. The pie misses and hits the vampire hunter van Helsing, played by Humphrey Bogart, who now looks much less stylish than he usually does. With Bogart having lost his greatest advantage - looking stylish - and me having wasted my only weapon, I am now left defenseless before an angry vampire Chrisopher Lee.
I'm screwed.

NOTE: Of course you're screwed, Frank. In MY universe, Christopher Lee isn't a vampire, he just teams up with one during The War as an MI6 spy and fight the Nazis. So, five demerits for House Ravenclaw...

About the author:
We don't have much on Frank Sawielijew. Only that he has a Facebook page promoting his works, that he's written a fantasy work in German titled Die Kleine Gelbe Krote, that he's constantly under attack by lobsters.

In Which We Annoy Author Nathan Cromwell - We Think - With Five Questions Until He Gives Us Ice Cream

Once again, with many thanks to fellow writers who submitted stories to the upcoming Strangely Funny III humor/horror anthology coming soon to print and currently for purchase with Amazon Kindle, I have questions to pose, answers in need, and craving for... for... PEPPERMINT!

MUST

HAVE

THE MINTY FLAVOR OF A WARM WINTER NIGHT!

...I've been told it's April and I should stick to my diet.

Oh, right. The interview with writer Nathan Cromwell. Kind of goes like this:

Question 1: What inspired you to write stories with a humorous bent?

In high school I read “The Idol’s Eye” by S. J. Perelman in a humor anthology and hunted up a book of his writing. I was so taken by the joy of language and sense of play that I wanted to do that, too.

Question 2: Which is harder, writing a horror scene or writing a humor scene?

About equal, but if I see the characters clearly the scenes come together faster. Both shoot for an emotional response from a subjective audience. You can overcome the ‘I don’t like that kind of humor’/‘that doesn’t scare me’ hurdles by making sure the reader understands and cares about your character. If you set it up right, they will hold their collective breaths as the banshee creeps up on the ingenue, and laugh when it gets a face full of expertly thrown coconut creme pie.

Question 3: So was Mad Max Fury Road robbed of Best Picture at the Oscars or what?!

Splunge! (I’m not being indecisive.)

MEDIOCRE! (covers mouth with Wilton 710 Silver Mist Food Spray)

Question 4: If you had a choice between classic monsters - the vampire, the golem, the werewolf, the ghost, the gill-man - which one would you throw a coconut custard pie with whipped cream at?

Ghost—because when it passes through and hits the person you really wanted to paste, you can look all innocent and say, ‘I was aiming for the ghost, dude’.

Question 5: and why did that pie end up hitting Humphrey Bogart instead?

Because Bogart is a ghost, trapped to incorporeally repeat actions from when he was alive and be seen by people sitting in dark rooms, and, as I’ve noted above, I love throwing me some pies at ghosties.

About the author:

Nathan Cromwell does not exist except as Ken Hueler, who will tell you to go looking for Nathan Cromwell because he can point you to Ken Hueler who has information on Nathan Cromwell, which he secured during an intense interrogation scene with Ken Hueler who admits seeing Nathan Cromwell on that very night in question.

His recipe for greasy grimy gopher rice cake can be found at https://nathancromwell.wordpress.com/ and whatever you do DON'T CLICK on that 3-Dimensional Icon of Bill Cipher in the third-left-hand-corner of the UNIVERSE!
...
You clicked it, didn't you?
/universe ends

In Which We Haunt Kevin Wetmore Until He Agrees To Answer These Three... FIVE QUESTIONS!

As part of promoting the new-to-Kindle and soon-to-be-in-print Strangely Funny III Anthology, I am blackmailing the writers who submitted to the anthology to answer these three FIVE questions so that they may cross the Bridge of DEATH passing over the Gorge of Eternal Peril.

Today's victim is Kevin Wetmore. ANSWER THE QUESTIONS, ERE THE OTHER SIDE HE SEE!

WETMORE: Ask me the questions, Blogkeeper! I'm not afraid!

Question 1: What inspired you to write stories with a humorous bent?

I think my output goes back and forth between straight horror and humorous horror.  I'll write a piece about a haunted house killing children and then turn around and write a story about a family of ghouls adopting a retired cadaver dog.  I think being a horror fan is to appreciate the grim side of things.  It also doesn't hurt that in my other life I am a standup comedian.  One of the most memorable moments of television when I was a child was watching "An Evening at the Improv" hosted by Vincent Price, one of my favorite actors (I was a weird kid).  Price came out and said he thought the audience might be surprised to see an actor known for horror hosting a comedy show, but he has a sense of humor, just like everyone else.  He then paused and said, "So, two mangled corpses walk into a bar..."  I thought it was a great joke, but also a good setup for straight horror too.  I look back and think, man when I heard that joke, on some level I thought "I want to do that, too." 

Question 2: Which is harder, writing a horror scene or writing a humor scene?

For me, no question - horror is harder.  I find it pretty easy to slide into the absurd or the humourously grotesque.  In fact, sometimes it is a problem in writing horror in that I realize I am drifting into parody or camp or the piece is so over the top it is not scary but kinda goofy.  Writing a scene that stays with the reader, that gives her or him the chills and cuts a little deeper is always a challenge for me.

Question 3: So was Mad Max Fury Road robbed of Best Picture at the Oscars or what?!

Yeah, but are you surprised?  All of the awards ignore genre except for special effects.  The fact that Norman Reedus has never been nominated for an Emmy or a Golden Globe for "Walking Dead" is proof that the award-givers are prejudiced against genre.  And, speaking now as an actor as well, which is harder: to play a realistic scene in an office or a bedroom and make people believe it is real or to play a scene which has animated corpses attacking people and make the audience believe it?  In terms of good, old-fashioned filmmaking, Mad Max Fury Road (with mostly in camera effects and an A list cast) deserved far more recognition than it has gotten.  But remember, the year Citizen Kane came out, "How Green Was My Valley" won Best Picture; the Year Star Wars was released (a film, it should be noted which might just be the most influential film in history), "Annie Hall" won best picture.  Which one now appears dated and which one has profoundly changed Hollywood?  Awards mean nothing.  Did you like it?  Good.  Who cares who else recognizes it?

Question 4: If you had a choice between classic monsters - the vampire, the golem, the werewolf, the ghost, the gill-man - which one would you throw a coconut custard pie with whipped cream at?

Easy question - werewolf.  When he stops to lick his fur clean, you can capture him and then the fun really begins.  It'd be wasted on the others (goes through a ghost, falls off the gill-man, and what good is cream pie on a golem? 

Question 5: and why did that pie end up hitting Humphrey Bogart instead?

Long story.  The point is, we all agreed not to sue each other and Bogart and the werewolf ended up buying a timeshare together.  Happy ending!

Fools.

The real answer to EACH QUESTION was and forever is: Not Enough Llama. Prepare for the incoming punishment...

Kevin Wetmore is an actor/writer/stunt coordinator/piemaker/carwasher/academic professor/bellboy from the corrupt multi-dimensional prison known as Los Angeles. He has strong alibis regarding his whereabouts on all occasions due to his busy work schedule, so he doesn't have to answer any further questions regarding that incident with the guy at that place with the thing, besides he has an attorney on the way and he knows his Miranda rights, so there nyah.

In Which We Question Writer David Court Before It's Too Late

As part of promoting the newly-released-to-Kindle and soon-to-be-print Strangely Funny III, I sent the editors Sarah Glenn and Gwen Mayo a series of questions to pass along to the other writers published within that anthology so I can post their replies.

I got responses.

Foolish mortals.

First up is this fellow from a fantastical, imaginary place called the United Kingdom. The victim's writer's name is David Court, more about his surviving relatives him in a moment.

Question 1: What inspired you to write stories with a humorous bent?

I think humour and horror are ideal bed-fellows.  Both achieve a physical reaction from the reader or listener, which is what we're all trying to achieve really, isn't it?  Laughter or wincing, it's all good..!

Question 2: Which is harder, writing a horror scene or writing a humor scene?

I'm often told that my attempts at writing horror are hilarious, and my comedic writing is horrific - so clearly to my harshest of critics, both are hard to the point of impossibility.

Question 3: So was Mad Max Fury Road robbed of Best Picture at the Oscars or what?!

Never a truer word.  And how George Miller can get a best visual effects Oscar for a film about a talking pig, but not one features dozens of incredibly choreographed visually stunning car chases baffles me (and probably him) to this very day.  Fury Road was so good it almost erased my memory of Mad Max: Beyond Thunderdome (tagline: One film enters; No good film leaves).

Question 4: If you had a choice between classic monsters - the vampire, the golem, the werewolf, the ghost, the gill-man - which one would you throw a coconut custard pie with whipped cream at?

Depends on the sprinkles.  Any monster-hunter worth his salt carries a pouch of pie toppings in case such an occasion should occur; Garlic salt for vampires, those little silver balls for werewolves, anti-algae pellets for gill-men.  For your typical Golem it's not the topping that is important but a good aim - as long as your shot can cover the leading 'e' in the Hebrew scrawling on its forehead (thereby changing the inscription from "truth" to "death") you'll deactivate that sucker. And pies are frankly wasted on ghosts - their ethereal nature puts paid to that.

Question 5: and why did that pie end up hitting Humphrey Bogart instead?

Due to decades of exposure, it's a scientific fact (citation needed: checked with a scientist) that the classic Universal monsters each have such a huge ego, that every one of them is capable of generating its own gravitational field.  Thus, any pie launched in their vicinity will slingshot around for some considerable time.  As a result of this, due to a combination of the positioning of them,  the time of day and bio rhythmic cycles, the ultimate target is scientifically next to impossible to predict.  In any case, the aforementioned ghost might have been Humphrey Bogart. 

About David Court:

David Court was born and resides in Coventry, UK with his patient wife and his three less patient cats. A few years back David achieved minor internet notoriety under the pseudonym FoldsFive for his animated GIFs telling the entirety of the Star Wars Trilogy, a fact that he's still jolly well proud of and insists on telling anyone at any opportunity. When not reading, blogging angrily on www.foldsfive.co.uk, drinking real ale, writing software for a living or practicing his poorly developed telekinetic skills, he can be found writing fiction.  His short stories "A Shadow Cast by the World" and "Undercurrent" were published in the horror anthologies "Fear's Accomplice" and "Terror at the beach" in 2014. His first collection of short stories - The Shadow Cast by the World was published in 2013 with Forever and Ever, Armageddon released a year later.

New Story: Welcome to Christmas In Florida

I got the cover art worked out: a co-worker at the library is good at drawing and so helped me out of this jam.  Remind me to pay her commission when she gets back from her Christmas vacation.

It's a follow-up to my earlier estory "Welcome to Florida."  It happened for two reasons: 1) I wanted to do a Christmas short story about how we cope in Florida with a snow-less holiday that's supposed to have snow, and 2) a local writers' group Writers 4 All Seasons had a writing challenge of having characters react to a surprise guest visitor from their lives.  When that challenge was offered, I realized I had a conflict in that second idea I could use to tell the first idea.

So I made the surprise guest visitor a Santa Claus with a dark agenda.  Hopefully, hilarity ensues (I am pimping the story as humor - short story).

I also wanted Trans-Siberian Orchestra to show up as a caroling group so I could riff off the old holiday special tropes of having musical guest stars.  I changed the band name within the story (trying to avoid the lawsuit, eh), but you can kinda tell it's them when they show up.

Amazon.com already has it up for sale as a Kindle book for the ereaders.

Barnes & Noble (bn.com) has it up for sale as a Nook book too.  Both stores have it selling at $.99 (the lowest price an author can set: as a short story, I shouldn't be charging any higher).

If you have the inclination, own an ereader Kindle or Nook (or have a tablet/laptop with the ereader app), and like humorous stories that are wildly implausible and contain at least three grammatical errors, please do me a favor and consider downloading my tale.  If you do, please also leave a review.

Danke, and IO SATURNALIA!

NaNoWriMo 2014: Day One

HERE IS MY OPENING SENTENCE:

Call me Rascafelopasikusyzaquld.

...whadda ya mean, it's been done?

Still, gotta admit any opener I type won't compare to this winner.

Look What I Found On the New Processing Cart At Bartow Library

Someone's gone and done a YA novel about Library Ninjas...

I oughta be kicking myself though.  I've been thinking up of the need for library ninjas since the 1990s when I wrote my American Libraries humor article about squelching book theft.  Which led into my "Overdue" short story in my Grapefruit Wars anthology...  Shoulda known there could be a market for a full book.

Well played, Downey, well played.

I still got the market cornered on cyborg ninjas battling exploding space penguins...  wait, don't start writing that out!  NO!  MY IDEA, MINE!  Aaaaaaa (rushes off to power-type during this Memorial Day weekend)